A Lost Night

It is past 1 AM now. I walked out of the bedroom, listening to Jie’s “Looking In”.

My head was splitting when I got home tonight. I laid my head on the dining table and rested for a bit, then went to lie on the sofa again, but nothing helped relieve the pain.

So I put on my helmet, went out riding my scooter for a while, then lingered under Block 1 for a long time, imagining I was still a cookie.

When I got back, I realized I still couldn’t fall asleep. The headache had eased up a lot, but I was still very uncomfortable. So I brought my speakers and computer and wrote down the song title.

I have absolutely no control over my emotions when I’m tired. I know it’s a big problem, but I can’t fix it myself for now (the best way is to avoid getting tired outside of sleeping hours). I feel especially awful whenever I’m tired, and can’t relieve it. What I fear most is being unable to fall asleep in this state, which happened today. I fantasized several times about the scene of jumping out my bedroom window.

After moving, this is the second time I’ve sat at my computer desk. The last time was right after setting up the desk. Actually I didn’t sit then, I stood, because I didn’t have a chair yet. I really liked that black office chair, but it got lost. The chair I’m sitting on now I could tell was low quality as soon as I assembled it. I’m sitting on it gingerly, not daring to shift my butt, for fear it might break any second.

I’m someone who really enjoys quiet. I like settling down to read a book, or learn something, or write down some thoughts, or even just spacing out. But now I barely get those chances in my current residence. The kitten keeps coming over to disturb me. I really dislike this latent, unpredictable disruption, so the past few weekends I’ve also spent some time at the office, treasuring the rare undisturbed time.

Last weekend night, I was sitting on the carpet eating duck head (the kitten’s name), when somehow it freaked out and clawed my back viciously. I was scratched up badly and it really hurt. I got so angry I chased it all over trying to catch it for a beating. Even now I still can’t adapt to such latent disruption and unknown risks.

Lately I’ve been working overtime frequently. Since May I rarely did overtime, but it started up again recently. One reason is there are issues that need solving, another is avoidance of the kitten. I don’t really feel like spending time with it.

I’ve never liked little kids, which is one reason I’m set on being childfree. Isn’t a kitten something like a little kid, also an uncontrollable latent risk? My current state feels at odds with my true desires in many ways.

In the past, any unstable factor that disrupted my normal life, if I could control it, I just said no. But now there are other considerations, yet I feel conflicted about whether I should insist on myself.

My sleep has been especially poor lately. I don’t like this feeling. I feel the top priority should be ensuring my own sleep. Often during the day I’m uncomfortable from headaches, just pushing through to deal with work stuff. This is a problem I must solve now, can’t put it off any longer.

Humans are animals that live in the present, in each moment. If the present is uncomfortable, what is there to look forward to in the future?

Written past midnight on 09-14.